remembering

as i'm sitting in the workroom at school, i'm wondering what makes me committed to things. committed to this very hard job and these very long hours. i think my level of commitment to things has always been higher than average, i can see that looking back at my grades in school and my involvement with key club. but even then, i wasn't one of those organizational poster children who drinks all the koolaid and regurgitates all the lingo. i'm still not. i do, however, believe that my vision of what commitment is and my investment in things took a serious leap forward one day in my junior year of college in the 3D room of woods hall. craig was on a rampage because he saw so many of his students only invested in art during class...never in the studio on nights and weekends. we could talk the talk of pretentious artisty bullshit, but w didn't actually do much...we were getting margaritas during guest lectures and receptions and just goofing off and making an abundance of shitty art. I can't really remember anything specific that craig said that day, but i know that throughout the entire lecture i just agreed with him. i felt guilty, like a waste of space, unappreciative, uneducated and just terrible. i was selling myself short and not experiencing life to the fullest. i was wasting his and all of my teachers time. granted, i wasn't as far off as the girl making stuff out of toilet paper rolls, but i wasn't a rockstar yet, either. at that moment i decided it was time for a change. and change i did. from that moment on i was in the studio most days from dawn till dusk. at first i was resistant and tired, but i grew to love the productivity and the process and even the long hours. my whole outlook changed, and i feel that if craig hadn't motivated me at that perfect moment, i wouldn't be able to handle the job i have now. hre's the part where i sound a bit cocky...i am a great first year teacher. i have my shit together, i have good behavior management, i've seen growth from my students. i'm far from perfect, but i've got it together. and i really have people like craig and daniel and mark to thank for that. people who didn't have time for people who didn't give a shit.

random workday thoughts.

good day?

 
despite the dream i had last night where i was screaming "shut up!" at the top of my lungs (which i never do in real life) today went pretty well. two referrals for cheating on math homework, one for sleeping/general apathy (this one asked if he could have another chance! nope!) the cheating made me angry because it was two very smart girls...but oh well...things happen i guess. today just seemed like one of those that slipped by. my lesson went well, but i'm just not left with a glow i guess. there were a few lightbulb moments and a lot of productivity, but nothing beautiful. i forgot to play the pep talk (our new monday tradition) think they will be mad if we do it tomorrow instead? tuesday pep talks are good too, right?

i'm reading how children succeed, and i think i'm going to prep for tomorrow, take a hot shower, and crawl in bed with my book. that sounds lovely.

the grind

we watch this video the every monday, and today counted as a monday in my book.

they are starting to memorize parts. beautiful.

persuasive devices. that's what we talked about today. i had several referrals, but for run of the mill behaviors. my boys classes were having trouble focusing. they usually do on powerpoint days. i would, too. add that to my list of things to work on. right now i'm stressing about standards and TCAP prep. i feel like the fun part of the year is almost over. test prep doesn't sound like the best time. i need to change my attitude, though, because they will feel the way i feel about it. tomorrow i am going to radiate positivity.

i didn't use any caps because nothing felt that important today.

not to yield

these words have been driving me lately. i've done the striving, seeking, and finding...all i have to do now is not yield. well, and strive some more. you can never really strive enough, right?